rejection and job loss...

I was at the mall yesterday afternoon when my phone rang. I normally don't answer numbers I don't recognize, especially if they're long-distance. However, this one was local so I took a chance, hoping it might be a potential employer calling me for an interview. Instead it was the lady from the HR dept. for the county job I was just fired from. She was calling to let me know several things. First of all, I would be allowed to write up a statement telling "my side of the story" for my file, however, no one would ever be allowed to see it. Secondly, she talked to the health director, the woman responsible for firing me. 

This woman had to fill out a form stating whether or not she would recommend me for other jobs and she checked "no". JW called her to clarify if she meant for all county jobs or just the health dept. She said "just the health dept." and while that didn't surprise me (I wouldn't want to work for this woman again), it still stung a bit. When does rejection NOT sting?  I STILL don't understand her reasons for firing me. I know I'm a likable person. I know I gave that job 100%. Just because I didn't succeed at the animal shelter, why does that disqualify me for other jobs at the health dept? It is very upsetting to think my entire future is being controlled by one woman. And yet, is it really? That is when I have to remind myself of who I belong to and that nothing catches Him off-guard.

I won't lie. It hurts. Part of me wants to make an appt. and go talk to this woman myself just for clarification's sake, and yet, what good would it do? What's done is done. I have to accept that. Ultimately, I know who controls my future and I know I have to put this behind me. I really thought I had until I got that call and heard she had checked the "no" box. REJECTED. The only thing she really said to HR was that I was not at the level she thought I should be after 4 mos. on the job. Nothing incriminating really. Just a very vague assessment of why I wasn't a good fit.

I would have rather heard, "Donna, you're not a good fit for this job. Not being able to handle the animals is causing a problem with the other employees. They resent it." Instead I was told "you're too slow" and "you promise people we will save their animals". I'm sure the look on my face gave it away. "What are you talking about?!!! I'm not behind on my work and I have NEVER promised outright that we would save someone's animal. I said we will do our best but I can't make any promises." This is no different than what I heard my own supervisor tell people.

I know God is watching me to see how I respond to this situation. I feel it's a test. The need to defend myself is there and yet, I feel I should just let it go. I think of Jesus who had it much worse than I ever did and yet "He opened not His mouth". The truth is I'm worried about my reputation; what people will think. I don't want to be judged unjustly. I have not had the best of luck on the past few jobs I've managed to get. Part of me can't help but think, "What the heck is wrong with you that you can't hold down a job?" It's humiliating and embarrassing. Am I really such a square peg in life? God knows I feel that way often.

Me being me, I am doing my best to find the lesson in all this. To look for the positive in it. To make changes where they need to be made. Ultimately I just want to find where I fit so I can be a blessing and an asset. I think that's half my problem. I don't know where I fit. I know my gifts but they don't ever seem to be appreciated or received. I can't carve out a place for myself in the writing world. I don't know how. And yet, the one thing I have heard repeatedly throughout my life from others is, "Donna, you should be writing". My dream job would be to write and get paid for it. It's what comes most naturally to me. It doesn't feel like work.

In the meantime though I have bills to pay and no source of income sooo.... I must find a job. I am doing my part and trusting God to do His. Right now my confession of faith is...

My steps are ordered of the Lord.
God's favor encompasses me like a shield.
Angels are working behind the scenes on my behalf.
I am led by the Spirit of God.
Divine appointments are coming my way.
I am not moved by what I see.
All things are working together for my good.
My God will do exceedingly, abundantly above all I can ask or think.

Amen and so be it.