letting go....

February is always a special month.  Two of my kids celebrate birthdays... Evan on the 13th.  (He will be 14).  And Averi on the 14th.  (She will be 12).

We were driving home from school the other day and I asked what the plans were for their birthday.  I was told their dad planned on taking them to Fuddruckers for burgers on Saturday.  This outing would also include their older brother, their grandmother, and her friend, David.  Only one person would be missing.  Me.  I wasn't invited. 

It really didn't come as a surprise to me that I wasn't invited.  This has been the case ever since my husband and I split over 2 years ago.  He says we should live "separate lives" and he does his best to insure that this happens.  

I won't lie.  It hurts.  Every Thanksgiving.  Every Christmas.  And every child's birthday I am left out.  I don't like it.  I don't agree with it.  And yes, I get angry.  The most difficult part of being divorced and living by myself is knowing I'm no longer a part of the family unit.  The kids live with their father and even though I see them 5-6 days a week I'm still the odd woman out when it comes to special occasions.  

I guess I could understand it if I or my ex had a significant other.  We don't.  And it's not that we don't get along.  We do.  I really don't know why my ex insists that I do my own thing with the kids.  If the shoe were on the other foot and they lived with me I would more than gladly invite their father to be a part of all the festivities.  In my mind, it's about the kids... not us... but I digress.  Apparently he doesn't see it that way.  Sometimes I wonder if he's afraid I will try to worm my way back in so this is just his way of keeping that door shut. 

Regardless, being left out doesn't feel very good.  It's been over 2 years and I still grieve over the loss of my family.  I feel sad every time I pull out of the driveway of my old house knowing my kids are with their dad as a cohesive family unit and then there's me; alone with my 2 cats in an apartment.  And though I am happy I am no longer in a miserable marriage, I can't help but miss all the special family occasions we once shared together.   

Once again I asked my kids to ask their dad if I could go with them and not surprisingly, the answer was no.  That it would be better for me to do something with them separately.  Well, I went off.  Normally I refrain from ever expressing any kind of anger or negativity towards their father but I was pissed.  "I am still your mother!  How can your dad just leave me out like that?"  I was totally exasperated!  I am not the enemy after all and I don't like being treated like I am.  But what can be done?  I have tried talking to him before to no avail.  Stubbornness has always been one of his more frustrating traits.

The morning after this outburst of mine I was at work pondering the whole situation when it hit me like a ton of bricks.  "Just because you would do things a certain way doesn't mean he has to."  Lightbulb moment-"Expectations are just premeditated resentments".  I realized I had been projecting my expectations onto my ex all this time and it was only causing me grief because nothing was going to change on his end.  I had to let go.  So just like that.... I did.  

It was amazing the sense of peace that flooded me when I was able to just stop those expectations and let go.  The fact is we are divorced.  He wants to live his own life with the kids apart from me and I have to respect that and ultimately accept it.  I am learning that acceptance really is the key to serenity and peace of mind by accepting the things I cannot change.  We so often get worked into a tizzy over the unfulfilled expectations we have of others and yet, is it really fair to do that to someone?  No, it's not.  

I am determined going forward that I will release all expectations towards my ex.  He is free to live his life the way he sees fit and I am free to live mine.  I wish him well and only want the best for him.  If that doesn't include me then so be it.  I have truly let go.  It only took me 2.5 years to get here, but as they say "better late than never".  

what i know for sure....

The past few years have been quite the spiritual epiphany for me.  Some of these are thoughts I've picked up from others.  Some are my own thoughts.  Overall this is what I know for sure.... 

Expectations are really just future resentments.

Life isn’t fair… but God is still good.

I am not in control.

Regardless of how things seem, they are subject to change.

The bible is only as infallible as my interpretation of it.

My understanding of truth evolves as I do. 

I don’t know it all.

Life must be lived forward but can only be understood backwards.

Dwelling on the past is a waste of time… you can’t change it anyway.  Learn from it and move on.

Dwelling on the future only brings anxiety, fear and frustration.   Surrender it to God and enjoy the present for tomorrow is not promised anyway.

Bad things happen to good people.

Life is a school…. We are its students.  We are here to learn.

The only thing worse than unanswered questions are unquestioned answers.

Everything happens for a reason.

We have two basic needs in life:  To know and be known.  To love and be loved.

Regardless of what comes, God is enough.

It’s not my job to fix people.

I am responsible for my actions and the consequences thereof.

Relationships cannot be forced.  Whether platonic or romantic, they should flow naturally.

It’s okay to ask questions.  God can handle it.

Just because Bro. So-and-So said it doesn’t mean it’s true.

Religion makes people do mean things.

The only way “out” is “through”.

We are each on a spiritual journey and no two paths will look exactly the same.

We are not called to be “cookie-cutter” Christians.

Bloom where you’re planted.  You’re there for a reason.

Life is 90% maintenance.  

Unless you’ve walked in another person’s shoes you can’t possibly know what it’s like to be them.  Mercy before judgment.

It’s not what we do that counts so much as what motivates us to do what we do.  In the end, that is what God will judge.

If you have to hide something you’re doing, you shouldn’t be doing it.

Living authentically sets you free to be who you truly are.

Acceptance from God doesn't have to be earned.  You're already accepted.

Sometimes there’s only one thing to say, “It is what it is.”

Lessons usually come in the form of pain and loss.

Complaining doesn’t change anything… so stop.  It’s a waste of energy.

Today is a gift.  That’s why it’s called “the present”.

It's only when the pain of staying like you are becomes too great will you be motivated to change.

Change is a process, not a one-time occurrence.

It is only when you escape the lie of what's expected and live “your truth” that you can be truly free.

Expectation is the root of all disappointment.

Living a lie is the path of least resistance.  You have to be willing to swim upstream to find your authentic place.

If you want respect then do what’s respectable.  

Life is lived outwardly but it must be cultivated inwardly.

I don't have to find Love.  Love will find me.

In the end, love wins.      

the adoption journey....

I wrote this at the request of my Birthmother for an adoption event she spoke at last year.  This is our story, but it is also the story of countless others whose lives have been affected by adoption.

The Adoption Journey

By Donna J. Ridge

There is a journey called life,

Full of twisting and turning.

No one can predict it,

Still our hearts are yearning.

To know and be known.

To love and be loved.

While making a difference

With gifts from above.

Mothers and Daughters,

Fathers and Sons.

A family tapestry

That makes us all one.

But not every story

starts so great.

Some are interrupted

By a thing called fate.

Birthmothers give birth

To sons and daughters

Then surrender them up

Like lambs to the slaughter.

Always loving

But never knowing

If their little lambs

Are thriving and growing.

Their hearts cry out

“Take care of my baby.”

They have to trust

This other lady.

This woman called “mother”

Not by birth, but by choice.

Who opens her heart

With cause to rejoice.

One Mom is complete

The other’s pain goes deep.

One rocks her baby.

The other cries herself to sleep.  

Years pass by

She always wonders.

Until one day

A call comes yonder.

Fate steps in

The child comes back.

The circle is complete

Now there’s no more lack.

Now their eyes see

There’s enough love for all

Birthmother, Mom, and child

Standing tall.

i see you....

I have learned in life there is a big difference between "looking" and "seeing". We look with our eyes. We see with our hearts. ~me~

In the movie, Avatar, the characters would express their love by saying "I SEE you".  The first time I heard this it had a profound impact on me because I realized how often we go through life with blinders on.  Rather than "see" people, we label them.  I am just as guilty of this as anyone and let's face it.  We would all be lying if we said we don't do this from time-to-time.  In fact, I think labeling is so ingrained in us we do it unconsciously.

Growing up in the Deep South of 1970's Mississippi in a culture where racism thrived it was hard to see black people as people.  Instead I saw them as a skin color.  Although segregation was the order of the day it was clear neither side was yet comfortable with it.  Unfortunately this prevailing attitude created an "us vs. them" atmosphere where whites feared blacks and blacks feared whites.  I heard the N word thrown around as commonly as you would throw a baseball, and often used it myself when referring to them as.... "stupid niggers!"  It pains me to admit this now because I realize how awful it is to judge someone based on skin color.  In fact, it's downright ignorant but in order to be authentic I must go there.

Sure I had "black friends" in high school but looking back now did I ever invite them to my house for a meal or go to their house for one?  Did I ever socialize with them outside of school?  Did I truly ever take the time to get to KNOW them?  No, I didn't.  On the surface I appeared tolerant but deep down I still feared... therefore I labeled.  And because I labeled I did not SEE them as human beings with the same wants, needs, fears, and emotions that I had.  I have since been able to reconnect with many of my "black friends" from HS on Facebook.  I realize how much I missed out on by not engaging you all those years ago the way I would today.  So what I would say to you now is I SEE you... and because I SEE you I want to KNOW you.  You are a valuable part of my story and therefore a valuable part of my life.  

It has taken me years... well, pretty much most of my life to reach this point.  And not only with black people but with gay people as well.  The truth is if people didn't fit into my little Christian worldview then they weren't worthy of my time, so rather than "see" gay people as the human beings they were, I judged them.  Sure I may have been friendly but deep down I saw them as "perverts"... "deviants"... "hellbound sinners".  I was repulsed and I was SURE God was too.  Again, it pains me to admit this because I have since met some wonderful people who just "happen" to be gay and I realize how wrong I was to judge them.  To you I want to say I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I SEE you... and because I SEE you I want to KNOW you.  You are a valuable part of my story and therefore a valuable part of my life.

Take any people-group that's different from you and ask yourself, "How do I relate to them?"  I contend that until we stop viewing everyone who is different from us as "them" we will never "see" them.  Currently my children are growing up in a school culture that is primarily Hispanic.  I see the "us vs. them" attitude sometimes and have even heard the phrase "stupid Mexicans" thrown around.  If there's one thing I desire for my children it's that they will have a diverse group of friends... white, black, hispanic, asian, indian... no matter their religion or sexual orientation.  I am making it my mission to teach my children to "see" beyond the labels.

Have you ever tried to engage in a conversation with someone who spent the whole time looking around... not really looking at you... as if they were hoping someone more interesting would walk through the door?  How did that make you feel?  It's happened to me and aside from wanting to slap the person upside the head for their rudeness, it made me feel like I didn't matter... like I wasn't really seen.  And guess what?  I wasn't.  Now think about the times you may have treated someone this way.  Let me go ahead and raise my hand... guilty as charged.  Yeap... I've done it.

Most of the time I don't think we are even aware of our behavior.  It takes intention to "see" others.  Oh, we look at people all the time, but if we can't get past the label we may miss out on an opportunity to know someone great.  We've all heard the quote, "Don't judge a book by its cover".  If we do we may miss out on a great story and rest assured, everybody has a story.  This is what connects us as human beings.  You cannot get to know someone you fear or judge.

At our core we ALL want to be acknowledged.  To be loved.  To be accepted.  To know we matter to someone.  Because I have been challenging myself lately in this area, I also challenge you to become aware of your tendency to label then purposely catch yourself doing it.  When you do, push past that and SEE the person you would have otherwise written off.  Talk to them.  Get to know them.  Engage them.  And in so doing you will find the beauty that lies in connecting with someone different from yourself.  After all, we are really more alike than we are different.  Be intentional.  Be an active participant in your own life.  Don't just look at people.  Be present.  Really SEE them. 

Namaste.  The divine in me honors the divine in you. 

i found the grace....

I FOUND THE GRACE
 

…to give without calculating;

… to fellowship without scheduling;

… to experience the unspoken wonders of life;

… to be unique, valued and imperfect;

…to have compassion to reach out without being on an outreach;

… to be humbled by truth;

… to sing without a song;

… to say no to unhealthy things;

… to respect the paths of others;

… to love without expectations;

…to pray or not to pray;

… to find the language of peace;

… to hear in the silence;

… to live without laws, restrictions or unspoken rules;

… to care to please only One;

… to be totally loved, No Matter What

I found the gospel of Grace.
 

by my beautiful friend, Lori Boyd Lochard

Facebook © 2012 ·

"mama, please don't leave me"

Lately all I can think about is my sweet Mama.  Sadly she lives 600 miles away from me in my home-state of Mississippi so I don't get to see her that often.  Jane is her name.  Well, "Sarah Jane" to be exact.  (Now you know where my middle name came from.)  Mama was born and raised in a little place called Ovett, Mississippi and is Southern to the bone.  She is your classic caregiver personality.  You know that "stand-by-your-man" type always serving up sweet iced tea with a smile.

Just to give you a little background, Mama was born a twin.  Her beloved brother, Jimmy, died suddenly when they were only 13.  Their baby brother, Gary, who was 6 at the time, dared Jimmy to climb an electric pole.  Killed him instantly when he touched a live wire.  Poor little Gary watched in horror as his big brother fell to the ground dead.  He ran as fast as his little legs would carry him to get Mama.  They were the only ones home at the time, their closest neighbor a mile up the red dirt road.  

I don't think Mama ever got over the loss of her twin, who was the shy one of the two.  One thing is for certain though... her faith has always pulled her through a tough spot, being the good ol' Southern Baptist that she is. Mama has sung in the choir and taught Sunday School all her life.  That is until now.  She has a lot on her plate these days taking care of her 91 yr. old husband, Milton, whom she married on New Year's Day of 2005.

See... Mama, though strong & independent, doesn't like to be alone for long.  She lives to serve, and after the loss of her 2nd husband (whom I affectionately called "Pa Bill"), she was just lost.  Pa Bill had alzheimers and not surprisingly, Mama was his sole caregiver until the day he died.  They call alzheimers "the long goodbye" and I can see why.  This insidious disease, which finally took my stepfather, drug out for 8 years.  He passed peacefully at home on a cold, January day in 2003, but not before "coming to" and talking to his deceased brother, Gene, and sister, Holly, who had died years before.  No doubt they were there to greet him as he crossed over to the other side.

I started seeing little things with Mama a couple of years before Bill died.  She was only 64 at the time, and I just chalked it up to all the stress she was under taking care of him.  I just wouldn't allow myself to believe that the same disease that had wrapped its ugly tentacles around Bill's mind was invading Mama's too.  It just couldn't be so.  Not mama.  Not the woman who adopted and raised me from birth.  I need you, Mama.  I think she sensed it because one day she said to me, "Donna Jane, I hope you never have to watch me go through this."  I wonder if on some deep level she knew?

Ironically, the man she married after Bill lost a wife to alzheimers so he was no stranger to this disease as he was also his wife's sole caregiver.  I think God works in mysterious ways sometimes.  Although he was quite a bit older, I felt relieved that his mind seemed firmly in-tact so I gave my blessing on their marriage.  At least mama wouldn't be alone.  And since I lived out-of-state it was a blessing that someone came along who would love and care for her in my stead.

As time has marched on I have noticed the decline in Mama's mental faculties with each visit.  At first she was just forgetful and would misplace stuff a lot.  But we all do that at times, right?  Then I began to notice moments where she didn't comprehend what was being said.  She would play like she did, but I knew by that blank look in her eyes.  "You can't fool me, mama."  But I played along, too.  No matter how many times I wanted to bring it up, the words always got stuck in my throat.  Denial can be your best friend.

How can this be happening?  Then I began to find myself angry with her, as if she could help it.  The Long Goodbye indeed.  It has drug out for 9 years now and it's to the point that denying it does no good.  It's here.  For the first time in my life, mama forgot my birthday which was just last month.  She didn't call me on Christmas.  And I had to call her on Thanksgiving or I doubt I would have heard from her then either.  It breaks my heart to know she's slipping away.

Just the other night I gave her a call and she seemed really happy to hear from me.   Mama has always had an infectious laugh.  I got to hear it the other night.  There are other times she seems totally blank.  Those conversations only last about 5 minutes.  This time though she wanted to know if I had finished remodeling my house.  In my mind I was saying, "Uh, I don't live in a house; I live alone in an apartment", but in her mind I was remodeling my house.  Instead of correcting her I just said, "No mama, I wasn't able to finish that."  "Oh, that's too bad" she said.

I learned during our ordeal with Pa Bill that with alzheimers it is necessary to "enter their world".  Arguing or correcting them only leads to agitation so I learned to play along.  It will be no different with mama.  Sometimes it can get downright funny the things they say.  These days I find myself dreading the day when Milton passes because I know some difficult decisions will have to be made.  For one, who will take care of mama?

She can't live by herself.  I'm afraid she would burn the house down.  That almost happened once before when she left a pan of grease on the burner.  She had gone outside and talk to the home-health nurse who was there to check on Bill during the final days of his life.  He just sat inside the house with smoke billowing all around him.  Once he realized it was a fire he kicked back into firefighter mode and gave the poor nurse a black eye for trying to stop him.  Thankfully they all got out alive and it wasn't a total loss.  Only the kitchen.

If my children were grown there would be no doubt that I would be expected to move home and take care of her, but that isn't the case.  My kids (ages 12, 14, and 19) need me.  Thankfully, mama understands this.  I just hope my Aunt and Uncle do when it comes time to take care of their sister, Jane.  They all live right there together on their old home-place... separate houses, of course.  The last thing I want is to see is for my mama to end up in a nursing home.  That would break my heart.

Why does life have to be so unfair?  I know I will have to cross this bridge very soon regarding mama's care.  For now though I have finally accepted that this is happening and like anything else, I will get through it.  I am not ready to give her up.  Money is beyond tight, but I am hoping to make a trip home to Mississippi this summer to see her.  The day could come when she won't know me anymore.  I don't want that to be any time soon.  Mama, please don't leave me yet.  I want to sit on the front porch with you a few more times and drink coffee.  And watch the birds.  And look at all the pretty flowers you planted.  I'm coming, Mama.  Please wait til I get there.