i see you....

I have learned in life there is a big difference between "looking" and "seeing". We look with our eyes. We see with our hearts. ~me~

In the movie, Avatar, the characters would express their love by saying "I SEE you".  The first time I heard this it had a profound impact on me because I realized how often we go through life with blinders on.  Rather than "see" people, we label them.  I am just as guilty of this as anyone and let's face it.  We would all be lying if we said we don't do this from time-to-time.  In fact, I think labeling is so ingrained in us we do it unconsciously.

Growing up in the Deep South of 1970's Mississippi in a culture where racism thrived it was hard to see black people as people.  Instead I saw them as a skin color.  Although segregation was the order of the day it was clear neither side was yet comfortable with it.  Unfortunately this prevailing attitude created an "us vs. them" atmosphere where whites feared blacks and blacks feared whites.  I heard the N word thrown around as commonly as you would throw a baseball, and often used it myself when referring to them as.... "stupid niggers!"  It pains me to admit this now because I realize how awful it is to judge someone based on skin color.  In fact, it's downright ignorant but in order to be authentic I must go there.

Sure I had "black friends" in high school but looking back now did I ever invite them to my house for a meal or go to their house for one?  Did I ever socialize with them outside of school?  Did I truly ever take the time to get to KNOW them?  No, I didn't.  On the surface I appeared tolerant but deep down I still feared... therefore I labeled.  And because I labeled I did not SEE them as human beings with the same wants, needs, fears, and emotions that I had.  I have since been able to reconnect with many of my "black friends" from HS on Facebook.  I realize how much I missed out on by not engaging you all those years ago the way I would today.  So what I would say to you now is I SEE you... and because I SEE you I want to KNOW you.  You are a valuable part of my story and therefore a valuable part of my life.  

It has taken me years... well, pretty much most of my life to reach this point.  And not only with black people but with gay people as well.  The truth is if people didn't fit into my little Christian worldview then they weren't worthy of my time, so rather than "see" gay people as the human beings they were, I judged them.  Sure I may have been friendly but deep down I saw them as "perverts"... "deviants"... "hellbound sinners".  I was repulsed and I was SURE God was too.  Again, it pains me to admit this because I have since met some wonderful people who just "happen" to be gay and I realize how wrong I was to judge them.  To you I want to say I'm sorry.  Please forgive me.  I SEE you... and because I SEE you I want to KNOW you.  You are a valuable part of my story and therefore a valuable part of my life.

Take any people-group that's different from you and ask yourself, "How do I relate to them?"  I contend that until we stop viewing everyone who is different from us as "them" we will never "see" them.  Currently my children are growing up in a school culture that is primarily Hispanic.  I see the "us vs. them" attitude sometimes and have even heard the phrase "stupid Mexicans" thrown around.  If there's one thing I desire for my children it's that they will have a diverse group of friends... white, black, hispanic, asian, indian... no matter their religion or sexual orientation.  I am making it my mission to teach my children to "see" beyond the labels.

Have you ever tried to engage in a conversation with someone who spent the whole time looking around... not really looking at you... as if they were hoping someone more interesting would walk through the door?  How did that make you feel?  It's happened to me and aside from wanting to slap the person upside the head for their rudeness, it made me feel like I didn't matter... like I wasn't really seen.  And guess what?  I wasn't.  Now think about the times you may have treated someone this way.  Let me go ahead and raise my hand... guilty as charged.  Yeap... I've done it.

Most of the time I don't think we are even aware of our behavior.  It takes intention to "see" others.  Oh, we look at people all the time, but if we can't get past the label we may miss out on an opportunity to know someone great.  We've all heard the quote, "Don't judge a book by its cover".  If we do we may miss out on a great story and rest assured, everybody has a story.  This is what connects us as human beings.  You cannot get to know someone you fear or judge.

At our core we ALL want to be acknowledged.  To be loved.  To be accepted.  To know we matter to someone.  Because I have been challenging myself lately in this area, I also challenge you to become aware of your tendency to label then purposely catch yourself doing it.  When you do, push past that and SEE the person you would have otherwise written off.  Talk to them.  Get to know them.  Engage them.  And in so doing you will find the beauty that lies in connecting with someone different from yourself.  After all, we are really more alike than we are different.  Be intentional.  Be an active participant in your own life.  Don't just look at people.  Be present.  Really SEE them. 

Namaste.  The divine in me honors the divine in you. 

"cause he black"...

Have you ever been in a situation, not of your own making, where you found yourself thinking, "Well, that was awkward"?  I found myself in one of those just today, in fact.  I had picked the kids up from school this afternoon and had to run by the post office to mail a card and buy some stamps.  Apparently everyone else in town chose the exact same time to go to the post office. 

When I walked inside I saw that the line was a mile long.  Okay... well, not quite a mile... but it did make me wonder what was going on.  I even found myself going down the list of holidays in my mind that would possibly cause a sudden rush to the United States Post Office on January 31st.  I came up with nothing.  So rather than get in a huff, I stood in line with everyone else and waited my turn.

In front of me stood a woman who was clearly Muslim.  I could tell by her clothes and the beautiful head-scarf she was wearing.  I just had to figure out a way to start a conversation with her.  It helped that she had a warm smile.  I complimented her scarf.  From there I found out she was originally from Pakistan and has lived in America for 11 years.  She likes it here. 

There was a time in my life I would have looked at a woman like her and chalked her up as "the enemy" especially in the wake of 9/11.  I would have certainly never struck up a conversation with her, let alone thought she was someone I could be friends with.  Just goes to show what can happen when you refuse to label or stereotype people even when the temptation presents itself.

Then right about the time I was feeling all proud of myself for not labeling, I heard this woman standing just a few feet away talking on her cellphone.  I'm positive the entire post office heard her talking on her cellphone. Yes, she was that. loud.  The conversation went something like this...

"Somebody called the PO-lice on RJ today."

"Cause he black."

"I already told you... cause he black."

At this point I could feel my butt-cheeks clenching and my entire body tightening up.  I more or less froze on the spot and looked off in the opposite direction pretending not to hear the conversation.   I am sure my face was flushed with embarrassment.  Only one word would suffice in that moment... awk.ward.

The white woman in front of me rolled her eyes.  I couldn't even look at the 2 women behind me who happened to be black.  I did wonder what they were thinking though as the conversation continued... if they felt as uncomfortable as I did?  The woman on the phone rattled on...

"It was a brand-new bike and since he the only black boy in the neighborhood some white person called the PO-lice." 

"You know... selling drugs... up to no good...he black so he must have stole the bike.  All those stereotypes."

 "He even had to show the PO-lice his receipt to prove it was his bike."

"I done told you.. cause he black."

If she said it once, she said it at least 5 times.  LOUDLY.  So all could hear. 

I finally worked up my nerve and took a peek at the lady behind me.  She had such a sweet smile; her eyes apologetic.  I understood her embarrassment since her race wasn't being represented very well in that moment.  There was no point in that woman having an entire conversation on her phone about racism in the post office for all 20 people (most of whom were white) in the line to hear.  I realize that IS a conversation that nobody enjoys but is sometimes necessary.  However, there is a time and a place for everything.  And the United States Post Office ain't it.

I've had several hours to reflect on why "I" felt embarrassed.  I wasn't the one who called the PO-lice on an innocent black boy riding his bike.  Yet, her words rang true and I knew it deep inside.  I could definitely see a white person calling the law if they saw a black boy riding a brand new bike in their all-white neighborhood.  They would immediately assume it was stolen.  And why?  "cause he black" or "he selling drugs" or "he up to no good".  All of which are common stereotypes. 

The woman was right in her assessment.  I will give her that much.  Make no mistake about it though.  I disagreed with her spouting all that out in such a public setting while on a private phone conversation.  It was awkward... uncomfortable... and highly inappropriate; an indictment against the entire white race.  I just wanted her to hush up.  I guess sometimes the truth hurts.

The positive side of this is it has further strengthened my resolve not to use labels and stereotypes.  As I have evolved as a person, I have chosen to live my life differently than my Southern upbringing would have me do.   And though I love my Southern roots, there are some things I've had to let go.  Rather than see race, religion, or color... I now choose to see the person.  I want to appreciate the beauty in all of us.  After all, we are the human race... and we are one.  It's high time we act like it.