out of pain, purpose...

"May He grant you according to your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your purpose." Psalm 20:4 NKJV

As I was reading through the Psalms today I came across this verse and it really hit me. My purpose in life. I have known since the age of 16 that I was called to the ministry. By the time I was 22 I knew I was called specifically to women's ministry. God even confirmed it to me via a prophetic word from someone I didn't know, had never met, and who didn't know me. And yet, he walked right up to me at a wedding rehearsal dinner, no less, and said... 

"The Lord shows me you will have a great ministry to women some day."

I nearly fell off my chair for I had not spoken of that to anyone. He also spoke another Word to me that, at the time, I did not want to receive and yet, it has started coming to pass in the past year. This is why I believe everything he spoke to me will surely come to pass. Yet, here it is 27 years later and I don't appear to be any closer to my calling than I was back then but I know what is on the inside of me. I know what has been said to me over and over and over through the years...

"Donna, you need to be writing."

"You have a gift of communication." 

"You should write a book." 

I will admit it comes as natural to me as breathing and doesn't feel at all like "work". (Gosh, I hope I'm not coming across as a braggart. I honestly don't think I'm anything special.) It's just frustrating when you have all this "stuff" on the inside of you that you want to share but have no audience. Being divorced and not having rich parents I can call upon, I have to work in order to earn a paycheck. Bills come whether you have a job or not. The only thing I know to do is to blog. Right now nobody even reads it (LOL) but I will do it in faith that one day that will all change.

In my younger days I often wondered "what on earth would I write about?" Now I know. I've had plenty of time to experience life. I will turn 50 in January. I've made many mistakes and as a result dealt with much pain. I have spent much time in the pity-pot beating myself up, but then I was reminded of the verse in 2 Cor. 12:9...

And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 

In order for life to bring you something great you must first suffer greatly. Nobody likes to talk about that though. I mean who enjoys suffering? I certainly don't. But I have learned in every situation I've walked through- post-partum depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, spirit of fear, struggles as a wife and mother, a dead marriage, anger, bitterness,emotional infidelity on my part, a divorce, backsliding on God, new age deception, not to mention years of weight struggles- that God had a plan and a purpose. (I sound like a mess, don't I?)

I quit asking "why?" a long time ago. I finally figured out that "what?" is much more beneficial. If I can find a purpose in my pain then none of it was in vain. Because I am always looking for the deeper meaning behind things, this strategy bodes well for me. I always ask myself, "what can I learn from this?" Believe me it helps. If you constantly focus on "Why is this happening?" you will stay frustrated and open the door to anger and bitterness. I figured out a long time ago that life isn't fair. As soon as you lose the expectation that it will be, you will free yourself to accept what comes. Remember the serenity prayer?

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

I look at women like Ann Voscamp or Lysa TerKeurst or my dear friend, Lisa Williams and I think, "I wanna be doing what they do"... using their lives to communicate the love and faithfulness of God in the midst of their brokenness. But who am I to even think I could? That's just it. I know I'm nothing without Him. And yet, with Him, everything is possible. What I know for sure is...

"Our greatest purpose is born from our greatest pain."

I don't know how. I don't know when. But I know I will step into my purpose soon. What I have walked through will not go to waste. I write this now as a symbol of faith. As a record that I will one day look back upon and say, "You see. It all came to pass just as it was spoken those many years ago." If there is one thing you can take to the bank, saints, it's that GOD IS FAITHFUL to His children. Be encouraged. If God ever spoke to you, He will bring it to pass. Stay faithful to His plan and watch it unfold.

  " He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it." 1 Thess. 5:24 

act like it's done...

I was thinking about my current situation. No job. No paycheck. Well, other than my piddly little check I get each week from my part-time job. Certainly not enough to live on. Then I started thinking about how unpredictable life is. Circumstances are subject to change. Today I don't have a full-time job. Tomorrow I could get the call for an interview that will lead to a good job. Today I have $56 in my checking account. Tomorrow I could win the lottery. Well, not really. You have to play to win but you get my point. Life can be one way one minute, then suddenly, everything can change.

I know how excited I have gotten in the past when I got the call that said "you're hired". Lots of rejoicing always followed that call. When a check showed up in the mail and I was actually able to pay my bills I felt so happy and thankful. Then it dawned on me, as Christians we are instructed in Romans 4:17 to "call those things that be not as though they were". That is faith, my friends. In other words, faith acts like it's done before anything changes. Faith rejoices that the answer is on the way. Faith thanks God for that job. Faith laughs when the bills are due.

Sound crazy? Well, think about how you act when something you have longed for comes to pass.You're probably a laughing, rejoicing fool. I know I am. If we truly trust God to meet our needs and take care of us, then there is no time for the mullygrubs. That is a sure sign of unbelief. Just because we don't see it doesn't mean it isn't on the way. God is always working behind the scenes in our lives. He is an active God and faith pleases Him. In fact, without faith it is impossible to please Him.

I have noticed with each bout of unemployment, I have gotten stronger. Why? Because every single time God has come through. All my needs were met. Yeah, I had down days when unbelief would wrap its ugly tentacles around my mind and the "what ifs?"would start playing like a band. But God! He proved His faithfulness to me time and time again. God moved on folks to help me until that job came my way. Afterwards I wondered why I ever doubted. So this time I won't.

Admittedly I don't understand all the whys and wherefores, but my trust is in the Lord. I know He is working on my behalf. Has anything changed? No. But I've decided in spite of that I am going to act like I've landed that job. I am going to rejoice in the same way I would if I had just gotten that phone-call. I am going to praise God in the same way I would if a big fat check had just arrived in the mail. God is the God of suddenlies, after all. I refuse to get bogged down in the muck and mire of my circumstances. I will approach each new day with expectancy. Good things are coming my way. I believe it, therefore I will act like it. I will talk like it. And I will walk like it. In Jesus' name.

             "When nothing is sure, everything is possible."

rejection and job loss...

I was at the mall yesterday afternoon when my phone rang. I normally don't answer numbers I don't recognize, especially if they're long-distance. However, this one was local so I took a chance, hoping it might be a potential employer calling me for an interview. Instead it was the lady from the HR dept. for the county job I was just fired from. She was calling to let me know several things. First of all, I would be allowed to write up a statement telling "my side of the story" for my file, however, no one would ever be allowed to see it. Secondly, she talked to the health director, the woman responsible for firing me. 

This woman had to fill out a form stating whether or not she would recommend me for other jobs and she checked "no". JW called her to clarify if she meant for all county jobs or just the health dept. She said "just the health dept." and while that didn't surprise me (I wouldn't want to work for this woman again), it still stung a bit. When does rejection NOT sting?  I STILL don't understand her reasons for firing me. I know I'm a likable person. I know I gave that job 100%. Just because I didn't succeed at the animal shelter, why does that disqualify me for other jobs at the health dept? It is very upsetting to think my entire future is being controlled by one woman. And yet, is it really? That is when I have to remind myself of who I belong to and that nothing catches Him off-guard.

I won't lie. It hurts. Part of me wants to make an appt. and go talk to this woman myself just for clarification's sake, and yet, what good would it do? What's done is done. I have to accept that. Ultimately, I know who controls my future and I know I have to put this behind me. I really thought I had until I got that call and heard she had checked the "no" box. REJECTED. The only thing she really said to HR was that I was not at the level she thought I should be after 4 mos. on the job. Nothing incriminating really. Just a very vague assessment of why I wasn't a good fit.

I would have rather heard, "Donna, you're not a good fit for this job. Not being able to handle the animals is causing a problem with the other employees. They resent it." Instead I was told "you're too slow" and "you promise people we will save their animals". I'm sure the look on my face gave it away. "What are you talking about?!!! I'm not behind on my work and I have NEVER promised outright that we would save someone's animal. I said we will do our best but I can't make any promises." This is no different than what I heard my own supervisor tell people.

I know God is watching me to see how I respond to this situation. I feel it's a test. The need to defend myself is there and yet, I feel I should just let it go. I think of Jesus who had it much worse than I ever did and yet "He opened not His mouth". The truth is I'm worried about my reputation; what people will think. I don't want to be judged unjustly. I have not had the best of luck on the past few jobs I've managed to get. Part of me can't help but think, "What the heck is wrong with you that you can't hold down a job?" It's humiliating and embarrassing. Am I really such a square peg in life? God knows I feel that way often.

Me being me, I am doing my best to find the lesson in all this. To look for the positive in it. To make changes where they need to be made. Ultimately I just want to find where I fit so I can be a blessing and an asset. I think that's half my problem. I don't know where I fit. I know my gifts but they don't ever seem to be appreciated or received. I can't carve out a place for myself in the writing world. I don't know how. And yet, the one thing I have heard repeatedly throughout my life from others is, "Donna, you should be writing". My dream job would be to write and get paid for it. It's what comes most naturally to me. It doesn't feel like work.

In the meantime though I have bills to pay and no source of income sooo.... I must find a job. I am doing my part and trusting God to do His. Right now my confession of faith is...

My steps are ordered of the Lord.
God's favor encompasses me like a shield.
Angels are working behind the scenes on my behalf.
I am led by the Spirit of God.
Divine appointments are coming my way.
I am not moved by what I see.
All things are working together for my good.
My God will do exceedingly, abundantly above all I can ask or think.

Amen and so be it.

i'm back....

After a 2-year hiatus I've decided it's time to write again. Life has definitely been a roller-coaster during my time away from the blog. I have gone through 2 different job losses in less than a year, the most recent being last week. Right now you would think I would be stressing out, but I have decided if I am truly going to live the faith-life then I better act like it. It's one thing to talk the talk, but quite another to walk the walk. Hebrews says "for we which have believed do enter into rest". I can truly say I am "resting" and by that I mean I am at peace.

This situation did not catch God by surprise. Me on the other hand? Surprised would be an understatement. I gave that job at the animal shelter 100%. I left there with my head held high and with a good conscience. My gut feeling tells me the real reason for my sudden firing was due to my medical condition. When I started on March 17th I had no idea I would be starting Humira shots in May. One of the requirements for working at the shelter is rabies shots. I was told I could not take the shots while on Humira, nor could I handle the animals.

My heart dropped when I found that out because I worried it would cost me my job. When I expressed this concern to the powers that be, I was assured that "handling animals" wasn't part of my job description. I was hired to do data-entry. I believed her in spite of the fact that impounding cats and dogs was a part of my daily routine working at the front. Finding an animal control officer to take the animals back to their kennels when they were busy doing other things wasn't always welcomed tho they did it. I have to wonder if maybe some resentment didn't build up.

Obviously the boss had to bide her time so it wouldn't appear that I was being fired for that reason so she waited 2 mos. The reasons I was given for being "let go" were downright laughable they were so lame, not to mention, false. Since I was still in the probationary period I could not contest the decision, but you can bet your bippy I went straight to HR. I gave my side of the story stating the real reasons I believe I was released from my job. I can accept that I might not have been the ideal fit for the job but to say I was "too slow" or that I "promised people we would save their animals" when I did no such thing was just a ball-faced lie.

The truth as I see it is that I was a liability. Due to my lowered immune system (side-effect of Humira) I was a risk if I had ever been attacked or bitten by a dog or cat. Of course they can't fire anyone for medical reasons. That would be discrimination, after all, so they came up with what sounded like valid reasons. Add to that, the girl I replaced decided she hates her new job and told the health director she wanted to "come back" to the shelter. Now whether she will or not remains to be seen but getting rid of me certainly cleared the way for her.

Oh well. If sound angry, I'm really not. I have accepted it and I am moving on. Do I enjoy being unemployed with no source of income? Not at all. But I've been here before and survived without too much fall-out. Well, other than my car being repossessed and I ended up making money on that when they sold it at auction. LOL! Oh the irony. I now have a much older car, an '02 Mercury Sable, that I paid cash for so at least this time I won't have to worry about my car being taken. It's just a matter of keeping a roof over my head and my bills paid.

It's funny but about a week before I was let go I was thinking about a little puppy we had up for adoption. It came in a litter of 3 and its siblings had already been adopted earlier in the week. It was a Friday and the poor little fella had to be put back in his kennel to spend the whole weekend alone. I felt so sad for him but I knew there were a couple of applications on him and that soon he would be going to his forever family. Things were definitely "in the works" behind the scenes. Of course the puppy didn't know that. He could only go by what he saw which made him very sad, scared, and alone.

Then God impressed upon me isn't that often how it is with God's people? We are faced with circumstances that seem daunting and hopeless. We wonder how on earth we will get through it. Fear, worry, and doubt assail. We focus on the "seen" when what we don't realize is our great big God is working behind the scenes the whole time on our behalf. Things are coming together. And if we knew what He knew, we would be laughing, not crying. We would be rejoicing, not despairing. We would be talking our faith, not our doubts.

I see this as another opportunity to trust God. To prove Him real in my life. To show His faithfulness to my family and friends. God's Word is either true or it's not. I choose to believe it. Philippians 4:13 says, "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." I don't know how. I don't know who. I don't know when. But I know He will. A great job is coming my way. Hide and watch.